What to Do?

Writing this (what will soon be sloppy) essay was not on (see, sloppy already!) on my To Do list but I just felt like I had to. Many, if not most, of us artists, are feeling unmotivated, anxious, stressed out about money. It’s hard to make things right now.

On top of worrying about the virus, I’m worried about getting attacked by racists once we’re all allowed out again. But that’s for another essay.

This week I started gaining some semblance of a routine, believing that there will be, I don’t know, a time that is not now when people will get to see our work non-virtually, IRL. But before that I could not really compose or even brainstorm for any of my projects. It’s hard to dream things up when you cannot imaging a time for them to take place. This was especially devastating for me because for me because I imagine the future all the time. I felt stunted.

People have been posting things like, “You don’t have to be productive right now,” which I appreciate. But this wasn’t just about losing productivity for me; I was losing a sense of myself. I’m guessing many of us are. “Do I even actually like composing?” I’d ask myself. All I could do was play classical rep.

As soon as I started sheltering in place, of course I still tried to be productive. What I found to be helpful was making ridiculously manageable tasks. Things like:
- cut things out of a magazine
- play piano (anything counted…scales, whatever)
- make 30 seconds of anything (anything! and not to share or have a finished thing. Just the action of making anything)

I also enjoy making my lists because of [my] typewriter. But anyway, for some of us, not being productive is more stressful than not trying to be productive, if that makes sense. Maybe what I really mean by “productive” right now, at least for me, is owning this time, claiming it. I hesitate to use the word “control” but that too, a sense of control.

There’s something about writing [tasks] down on a To Do list that feels empowering (ugh I’m so over that word but it fits best here). Even if your list says:
- sing 5 notes
- Hold a note for 10 seconds
- watch “Kim’s Convenience” all the live long day
- sit on sofa

it will feel more intentional because by writing it down, you’re choosing.

I’m making such a point right now to try to feel like this time is my own, rather than something that is being taken away from me, because I think about other sad times when I regretted letting myself stay stuck in stasis for too long. The article in Harvard Business Review, “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief,” was exceptionally enlightening as well.

Please feel free to share anything helpful that is getting you through this. Stay safe and healthy, and seek joy as much as you can at this moment!