morning musings: new work for in bloom

image description: a dancer wearing navy cropped pants and a forest green shirt is in a white-walled studio sitting on her left thigh, with her hair, black with blonde tips, completely obscuring her face. Her left hand is pulling a bunch of strands of hair straight out in front of her. Her right knee is bent with her foot on the ground, making her knees form a “v” at a 45-degree angle. Her right arm is extended straight between her legs and her fingers are naturally curved.

I’ve been loosely working on a thing for In Bloom, a work-in-progress showing/gathering I’m performing in next week at The Center for Ballet Arts at NYU. My organization, Isogram Projects, is also co-producing with Sarah McCaffery/Gold Standard Arts Foundation. (I designed the flyer too!).

Until yesterday, I had been primarily brainstorming. Since the thing is just over a week away, I told myself I that I ABSOLUTELY had to make the entire thing on Monday (yesterday) so that I’d have time to rehearse it and make (hopefully) minor edits.

I thought I’d never make work about motherhood. The idea used to make me cringe, frankly. But now I’m feeling it. The thing I’m showing next week are sketches for a performance portrait of motherhood, ambition, and rage. So far, there is music (looped vocals and Push 3, featuring a drum rack I made with my piano) and dance. If I can get it together there may also be some kinetic drawing. We’ll see!

This is going to be an installment of my Test Sites series, short experiments in process that started in 2016. They aren’t meant to be precious, but I’ve felt so precious about them lately. I’ve made seven so far, and I’ve usually been happy with all of them, except for the most recent one.

I used to work with tight timelines frequently and have something finished by the end, I’m talking one or two weeks, and I’m finding that so hard to do these days. I used to be very confident about simply “fulfilling the task” and now my tasks tend to sprout other tasks and so on, so the thing keeps expanding, but I need to contain it and tell it to just wait till after the 28t so that I have something to show next week!

I made Test Site 7 four months after giving birth. It was rough. It’s the only one I haven’t posted on the Test Sites page. And frankly, this new one, Test Site 8, sort of feels like that again; I feel a familiar pressure. But I feel better about this one.

Tickets for the performance are here, and they’re free for artists and art workers. Get them soon! I imagine an event with free food will sell out fast.

Composer-Performer Interview Series: Caroline Shaw

This is the first in a series of short interviews with composer colleagues on balancing composing and performing. I’ve found it particularly challenging lately, with commission deadlines and also wanting to direct more focus into my solo practice, so I decided so ask for a little help from my friends!

Interdisciplinary Process at HCL

The week of October 21st, I was in Chicago for my residency at High Concept Labs (HCL), housed inside Mana Contemporary, to develop Antonym. Antonym investigates residue of childhood memories and incorporates field recordings of New York City seasons. I had seven hours each day to work inside HCL’s glass studio, the first thing one sees when the door of the manually operated freight elevators opens on the 4th floor. I arrived on a Monday, and my performers and creative collaborators, flutist Laura Cocks and violinist Natalie Calma, joined me later.

I was nervous going into this, because we had limited time and had to use it efficiently: Laura and Natalie arrived on Wednesday to workshop through Friday, and Saturday we were to show what we made during the week. This was my choice: we aren’t required to show, but I wanted to share my work with a new audience in a new city. Before I go any further, I want to thank Laura and Natalie from the bottom of my heart for being part of this! They were essential in the creative process.

The focus of this residency was the “Spring” movement. I had composed an initial draft in May, and continued forming it in July at Marble House Project. At MHP I ended up creating a solo, Test Site 5: Seedlings that helped me flesh out some of my ideas, and returned to the project again about two weeks before going to HCL. I had a draft of the score finished a little over a week before the residency.  

My interdisciplinary scores are always ready to change: when incorporating both voice and movement in addition to instrumental performance, things are not always timed exactly as imagined, and voices and bodies sound and move differently than mine. I choreograph movement (I am ambivalent about writing “choreograph,” since I feel it is too formal for whatever the hell it is I do) and when I workshop with my musicians, together we structure and shape the piece.

The performers involved in my pieces are truly creative contributors, as their perspectives enrich and inform the process. I typically begin alone first, and aim to have a basic structure and some choreographic ideas before getting in the studio with my musicians. For “Spring,” I had music, the idea of using movement to draw on a giant piece of paper, tearing up paper, and other random movement phrases and performance ideas. Laura and Natalie weighed in on a variety of elements, from the music, to the arc, to staging, and also contributed beautiful movement ideas. We all move in our own ways, everyday, whether running, slouching, or even turning our heads to look, and I truly believe that you don’t have to be a professional dancer to create or find movement that is meaningful. This is an underlying idea I explore in my interdisciplinary practice. I do want to note that there is still discipline involved and it takes a lot of searching, trial and error.

One of my ongoing major concerns is (unintentional) cheesiness. When you begin creating, however, you have to let things go there at first rather than being immediately dismissive, or else you’ll start from a place of inhibition and fear. Aiming for perfection from the start is something that I had to unlearn when I started making my own work.

Cheesiness is, of course, subjective. Having two other artists in the room who I trust is important. At HCL, I could not have asked for a better team than Laura and Natalie, who were fully present and all around wonderful musicians. I’m constantly asking questions, such as, “How does this feel?”; “Is anything cheesy?”; “Does this make any sense?”  It’s important to me that not only I, but also my collaborators feel conviction in what we’re doing, which is impossible when you’re thinking, “Ugh this shit’s cheesy” or “What is the point of this.”  It’s one thing to get a score you don’t like very much and have to perform it well—we all can do that, and have had to do that on numerous occasions (even so, we sometimes can’t feign enthusiasm)—but imagine having to move your body in performance and moving in a way you feel is awkward: you will probably perform timidly.

Thoughts that crossed my mind at the beginning of the week: This is hard; This shit is so cheesy; wtf am I doing; I don’t think I’m going to do interdisciplinary work anymore, I don’t think this functions well as a genre, especially with instrumentalists. But I was there to work, I had to show on Saturday, the clock was ticking, and so I did not have time to dwell on those thoughts, or to wonder if what I was doing was good or bad. And by Friday, we were running “Spring” in addition to “Winter,” which had been made earlier this year, and showed both movements.

While “Spring” will still be edited further, I was happy with what we made and with the experience over all. We had fun, we still liked each other after spending seven hours a day together, and I received thoughtful feedback at my showing. Having uninterrupted time with Laura and Natalie, who are generous, open-minded, intelligent, and creative musicians, is exactly what I needed, especially after having had a couple of panic attacks in previous weeks as well as delusional thoughts about my career being over (and more!). Those thoughts visit often. For the moment, I’m focusing on what’s next for the development of Antonym. Videos will be posted soon!