bts: reimagining carnival of the animals

In March, Sozo Artists brought me in to compose a piece for violin, cello, two pianos, and electronics for a collaboration with poet Marc Bamuthi Joseph, choreographer Francesca Harper, and dancer Wendy Whelan. It’s a reimagining of Saint-Säens’ Carnival of the Animals and it is an intentional response to the January 6 insurrection.

While I was making this, I needed to keep several things in mind: how to have my own voice pierce through a widely-known classical work; how to make something simultaneously original and familiar; supporting the text and choreography; making something for musicians I don't know and am not going to meet in person; writing an electronics part that works without click.

Left to right: Pauline Kim Harris, Walter Aparicio, Thea Mesirow

Marc would make audio recordings in addition to the text doc, and I’d listen to it over and over again. And again. Due to the project involving spoken word, where timing may not be rigidly measured, I allowed for space and flexibility in my score. There are also a couple of movements where the musicians are specifically directed to follow Marc’s verbal text rather than a set tempo, and I indicate this with performance notes and arrows pointing to words. In one movement, the ensemble doesn’t even need to stay together, but rather chase the text. I also really do not like click track, and again, I gathered this wasn’t going to be rigid or metronomic, so each cue is signaled by Piano 1, and I indicated this with a cute little hand symbol.

Vicky Chow and Walter Aparicio

I workshopped with violinist Pauline Kim Harris, cellist Thea Mesirow, and pianists Walter Aparicio and Vicky Chow. I’m so fortunate to be able to hear my music with live musicians rather than rely on shrieky midi, and to be in a process with colleagues I trust and feel comfortable with. There will be a preview performance on August 18 presented by La Jolla Music Society. (And I will finish the last movement this week!)  :-D

Composer-Performer Interview Series: Dr. Alan Thiesen

This is the second in a series of short interviews with composer colleagues on balancing composing and performing. I’ve found it particularly challenging lately, with commission deadlines and also wanting to direct more focus into my solo practice, so I decided so ask for a little help from my friends!

Composer-Performer Interview Series: Caroline Shaw

This is the first in a series of short interviews with composer colleagues on balancing composing and performing. I’ve found it particularly challenging lately, with commission deadlines and also wanting to direct more focus into my solo practice, so I decided so ask for a little help from my friends!

January 2020 News/Rambling: awards, rejection, and getting work out there

2019 closed with some awesome things happening. I was awarded an ACF Create commission to write a piece for Boston-based duo Box Not Found, a 2020 National Arts Club Fellowship, and was invited to perform at Re:Sound in Cleveland and one of my dream venues, La MaMa. A lot can happen in two years...in 2017 I was hesitant to call myself a composer and got rejected from every residency I applied to. 

As artists, we all get rejected more often than not (I applied to ACF the year before, and I just got a rejection the day before yesterday), so it feels great to not get rejected. It’s also important to remember that these competitions do not valuate our work. I honestly see applications as cheap PR (especially compared to actual PR), a way to get work in front of as many people as possible.

Of course, all this supposed validation is followed by the immediate feeling that I’m a hack and got lucky somehow. Can’t stay in that mindset for too long though—I’ve got work to do!

Last weekend, I attended the Chamber Music America conference, a forum in which to get work in front of presenters and learn through panels and talks, as well as see showcases. CMA’s theme was “Music, Equity, and Our Future,” and it is clear that they have true conviction in this idea. Case in point: they are not afraid of tough conversations, as demonstrated in their panel “The Artist’s Perspective,” featuring Aaron Flagg, Tania León, Jerry Medina, and Tomeka Reid. I wrote more about it on an Instagram post:

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CMA day 2/#caturday: 1) met Hugh (up for adoption!) 2) Attended a panel on equity with Aaron Flagg, Tania León, Tomeka Reid, and Jerry Medina. . I asked a question (which I am paraphrasing here) about how we go beyond talking about issues of inclusivity and tokenism and effect change when PoC are lacking on the leadership/curatorial levels. Right now it’s about correction, and it is challenging to do anything differently or better when teams lack a variety of people and perspectives. I mentioned that I’m tired of talking, sometimes I think, I just want to BRING IT and REPRESENT rather than having this same conversation over and over again, with the same sentiments being echoed repeatedly. (Which is why I still haven’t written my article on PoC perspectives on diversity initiatives...) Aaron said, “If you’re tired, I’m exhausted!” But he mentioned how access to power is important and can be useful (as in, knowing people who have power and seeing if they can help), how he stuck around on certain boards, how the process was at times frustrating but had he left, things may not have improved the way they did. And afterwards he said, write the article! And so did someone else who had been sitting next to me. . Also got slightly admonished for using the term “PoC,” because one of the panelists felt that labels are the problem, that people see us that way because we see ourselves that way. I can understand why they’d say that; it’s partly a generational thing, it’s partly a “well, things worked out for me doing it this way” thing. And I never referred to myself in that way, not because I didn’t think I wasn’t, but because yeah, didn’t like labels, after all we’re all just “people.” I wish life was actually that simplistic. The nuanced racial dynamics I’ve experienced prove otherwise. Anyway I have more thoughts on that but will save them for a proper blog post (that I may never write) . Well crap I guess I just wrote an article on this POST . 3) Meowmy dis IS tiring I’m tired . #brevity #composer #pianist #questions #artist #nyc #newyorker #cat #tortitude

A post shared by Sugar Vendil (@sugarvendil) on Jan 19, 2020 at 11:23am PST

And back again to the topic of getting work out there: I got to do a pitch session since someone didn’t show up, where artists practice pitching and then presenters give feedback. It was very helpful, and 2/3 presenters were friendly except for the last one, who had an all-too-familiar look on her face of being pissed at me for existing. She softened towards the end after I explained the collaborative fashion concept behind my ensemble, The Nouveau Classical Project.

I’m generally not great at pitching and I find it challenging to balance making the work and putting the work out there, or to put it crudely, selling the work. I’ve been able to get opportunities organically by talking to people in random social settings, or making in-person connections by seeing a show at a venue or meeting people at events.

Anyway! That’s been my January so far. Feel free to share any thoughts or ask questions in the comments.

Interdisciplinary Process at HCL

The week of October 21st, I was in Chicago for my residency at High Concept Labs (HCL), housed inside Mana Contemporary, to develop Antonym. Antonym investigates residue of childhood memories and incorporates field recordings of New York City seasons. I had seven hours each day to work inside HCL’s glass studio, the first thing one sees when the door of the manually operated freight elevators opens on the 4th floor. I arrived on a Monday, and my performers and creative collaborators, flutist Laura Cocks and violinist Natalie Calma, joined me later.

I was nervous going into this, because we had limited time and had to use it efficiently: Laura and Natalie arrived on Wednesday to workshop through Friday, and Saturday we were to show what we made during the week. This was my choice: we aren’t required to show, but I wanted to share my work with a new audience in a new city. Before I go any further, I want to thank Laura and Natalie from the bottom of my heart for being part of this! They were essential in the creative process.

The focus of this residency was the “Spring” movement. I had composed an initial draft in May, and continued forming it in July at Marble House Project. At MHP I ended up creating a solo, Test Site 5: Seedlings that helped me flesh out some of my ideas, and returned to the project again about two weeks before going to HCL. I had a draft of the score finished a little over a week before the residency.  

My interdisciplinary scores are always ready to change: when incorporating both voice and movement in addition to instrumental performance, things are not always timed exactly as imagined, and voices and bodies sound and move differently than mine. I choreograph movement (I am ambivalent about writing “choreograph,” since I feel it is too formal for whatever the hell it is I do) and when I workshop with my musicians, together we structure and shape the piece.

The performers involved in my pieces are truly creative contributors, as their perspectives enrich and inform the process. I typically begin alone first, and aim to have a basic structure and some choreographic ideas before getting in the studio with my musicians. For “Spring,” I had music, the idea of using movement to draw on a giant piece of paper, tearing up paper, and other random movement phrases and performance ideas. Laura and Natalie weighed in on a variety of elements, from the music, to the arc, to staging, and also contributed beautiful movement ideas. We all move in our own ways, everyday, whether running, slouching, or even turning our heads to look, and I truly believe that you don’t have to be a professional dancer to create or find movement that is meaningful. This is an underlying idea I explore in my interdisciplinary practice. I do want to note that there is still discipline involved and it takes a lot of searching, trial and error.

One of my ongoing major concerns is (unintentional) cheesiness. When you begin creating, however, you have to let things go there at first rather than being immediately dismissive, or else you’ll start from a place of inhibition and fear. Aiming for perfection from the start is something that I had to unlearn when I started making my own work.

Cheesiness is, of course, subjective. Having two other artists in the room who I trust is important. At HCL, I could not have asked for a better team than Laura and Natalie, who were fully present and all around wonderful musicians. I’m constantly asking questions, such as, “How does this feel?”; “Is anything cheesy?”; “Does this make any sense?”  It’s important to me that not only I, but also my collaborators feel conviction in what we’re doing, which is impossible when you’re thinking, “Ugh this shit’s cheesy” or “What is the point of this.”  It’s one thing to get a score you don’t like very much and have to perform it well—we all can do that, and have had to do that on numerous occasions (even so, we sometimes can’t feign enthusiasm)—but imagine having to move your body in performance and moving in a way you feel is awkward: you will probably perform timidly.

Thoughts that crossed my mind at the beginning of the week: This is hard; This shit is so cheesy; wtf am I doing; I don’t think I’m going to do interdisciplinary work anymore, I don’t think this functions well as a genre, especially with instrumentalists. But I was there to work, I had to show on Saturday, the clock was ticking, and so I did not have time to dwell on those thoughts, or to wonder if what I was doing was good or bad. And by Friday, we were running “Spring” in addition to “Winter,” which had been made earlier this year, and showed both movements.

While “Spring” will still be edited further, I was happy with what we made and with the experience over all. We had fun, we still liked each other after spending seven hours a day together, and I received thoughtful feedback at my showing. Having uninterrupted time with Laura and Natalie, who are generous, open-minded, intelligent, and creative musicians, is exactly what I needed, especially after having had a couple of panic attacks in previous weeks as well as delusional thoughts about my career being over (and more!). Those thoughts visit often. For the moment, I’m focusing on what’s next for the development of Antonym. Videos will be posted soon!

Auto-bio, or how I got over my fear of composing

Watercoloring, my new hobby

During school, I was focused on building classical repertoire. I started The Nouveau Classical Project around the same time I began my master’s program with $175 and luckily, musicians who were willing to volunteer to play for free for our very first benefit. The economy was ROUGH!

NCP started off very classical it has changed with me. After finishing my master’s, I became more interested in new music. I had also wanted compose but stopped whenever I tried to start: I respected composers and their craft so much that I thought I had no right to do it. Along with that, I was worried that I would not be good or successful at it since I did not start at four, like I did with piano. So I immediately walked away from the idea. 

As NCP grew, we commissioned composers and I, along with some members of my ensemble, would think of collaborative possibilities. This was the extent of my making activities. In retrospect, I wanted to be actually making things and not just assembling pieces, and that frustration would come out in weird ways.*

After primarily pursuing a career in performance and being solely a pianist for several years, I felt not just a desire, but a burning need to express and share my experiences and perspectives as a Filipinx American woman. It crossed my mind that I would have started doing this sooner if I saw more Filipinxes doing this.** Part of my motivation was just showing up, being a representative or an example for my people, but maybe that rationale was also a way to make it less personal and therefore less terrifying.*** I hit a turning point, where I decided I would make an attempt at this strong but long-feared desire to compose music.

A couple of things happened one year that pushed this decision. I was a Fellow in the Target Margin Institute for Collaborative Theater Making, which was not about theater, but about questioning one’s practice. This fellowship was a year long, and at some point during that year, two friends from high school around my age passed away. They were too young to die, and I realized that life is simply too short to not try to do something you want to do, regardless of whether or not you achieve conventional success. One other thing happened that I would rather not detail here. But just mentioning it so you know there was one other thing.

For the fellowship, I was meant to explore how to play the piano in unconventional ways, but as the fellowship went on, the TMT mentors (David Herskovits and Moe Yousuf) noticed that I often kept talking about how I wished I could compose. So they made my final investigation about finding ways to compose rather than about making a “good” composition, which further encouraged me to give myself permission to just try. Moe even said that my investigation should be trying to make a “bad” piece of music. It was hard to break out of my shell, so a lot of my practice has had to do with dismantling the perfectionist mentality.

I have always been a late bloomer so I suppose starting late makes sense. It is still often scary, and it is not easy, but I love what I do and I am grateful to be able to do it!

*This can be a whole other essay.
** Yes, there are many Asians, but we all are so different, so no, when I see another Asian I do not necessarily see someone who represents me.
***I wonder if this is part of the thought behind the zeitgiest of identity-focused art? By making it about ourselves but related to a broader identity it’s theoretically bigger than ourselves and feels altruistic? Anyway check out my piece Islander, which explores the residue colonialism has left behind and the resulting fragmentation of identity! :-D

Rambling 122718

I wasn’t going to post this because the writing is not great, but I just really need to get this thing started. Besides, is this really any worse than posting a selfie or a food photo? Perhaps…YOU be the judge!